My tiny surprise

I could hardly believe
The words from the doctors mouth
Your having a baby
My eyes filled with tears
My head full of fears

Me so young a life inside of me
will i cope and be the best mummy as i could be
The tongues starting whagging and the news travelled fast
But nothing else mattered only my precious little baby
Braking the news to my parents was no easy task

They were very supportive
They helped how they could
But only i could do the job better
as any mother would

I remember that night
when you came into our lives
How everything changed
At first it was all so strange

The years flew by and i taught you what i knew
You made me as proud as can be
I loved to nurse you on my knee
You huged and cuddled me

You showed me this love back
I always felt close to you i would never change a thing
I have watched your different stages that you have gone through
The skills you have developed the habits and the friendships too

I watched you and nurtured you
And now you moved away
your living in your own house now
But you wont be far away

This is wrote for my son Daniel who is my 1st born child and has now reached the real age of independance love him and i am so proud of him

Stole my heart

I step across the pathway
You caught my eye
I caught your smile
I admired your pretty blue eyes

How i longed to see you again
Little did i know
That wish would come through someday
You stole my heart and mind that day

I feel like i'm walking on air
I feel like i can fly through the air
You captured me like a perfect picture
Your loving words
were like musical notes on a page

I love your layers
There like petals on a flower
Everytime i remove one
I want to move on to the next one

Let this happiness
Never end
Your my perfect man
Your my friend
I'm your woman

Light up my darkness

Help me find who i am
I'm caught inside myself
I look at my emptyness
My head is filled with darkness

I do not laugh anymore
I do not speak words
I do not explore my world

I stay inside myself
I do not travel
My body is like and isolated island
My heart is like a fragile piece of china 

I should open up
I should go out and walk
This is just to much for me
My head is the only space
That my eyes can see

No ones hears me
No one see's what i see
Sometimes i want to tell someone
How i really feel

But the words
Just wont come
The thoughts go round and round
My mind is like a whirlpool
Of words, images and sound

Slow down and breath
I tell myself
I turn to you
I know you can help

The panic and worry
Is all gone now
I'm glad i opened up
I dont want to keep
It all shut away

I dont want to hide away anymore
I want to go out now
I want to explore
I dont want to hide behind
My fears anymore

Lady on the lake

As he walked down the crooked pathway

He looked around the corner

She was there in the boat on the water

He smiled as his eyes fixed on her beauty

She replied with a smile of her own

She was quiet and timid

He was fun and had no limits

Could it work? Could he change?

She stood up in the boat

And stepped forward to move

But her shoe lace got caught

She felt awkward

Her thought would daddy approve

Just then she lost her balance

And fell head first right into the water

A loud roar came from the river bank

Don’t worry I’m coming to help you daughter

She splashed and cried out help me?

For all around to hear

But the first one to her rescue

Was the boy she loved so dear

He pulled her from the water

He was like a fighting machine

His strong arms held her to safety

He was indeed very keen

Everyone clapped and cheered

He was the local hero that day

He won so many hearts

No one or nothing could take his love away

She recovered from her trauma

She gave her dad a fright

If it wasn’t for you young man

My daughter would have drowned this night

I wanted to thank you kindly

If there is anything I can do

Don’t hesitate to ask me

I owe you a favour or two

Well there is just one thing you see

Someday I would like to marry your daughter

My lady on the water

If I could paint a picture

Her face of perfection I see

She has her dancing eyes

There waiting to explore life

Waiting to live

Waiting to be with me

So her father gave them his blessing

He wished them a lifetime of happiness

A lifetime of laughter

And most of all his love for her for ever after

another part of my story

My brothers would go hunting and fishing it was their way of contributing to the family meals yeah right more like there way of getting away from doing anything around the home. They always came home with something, even if it was only an eel or two squiggly things water snakes I called them. We loved the meat it was our protein fix for the week money wasn’t easy to earn jobs were few and hard to find. Anyone who was working was privileged to have a job no matter what it was, daddy favourite saying beggars can’t be choosers he was right. Fishing and hunting was a talent that took time to learn. I had no interest until much later on after all I was much too young I would have probably eaten the bait never mind catch anything. The brothers would get up to all sorts but couldn’t do a thing wrong if you know what I mean Irish boys and their mothers were like cheese and crackers. When mammy would say something to them they listened for the fear of god was in them. This didn’t stop them when they chose to go off for a wander down the fields when it took their fancy , I used to think its not fair they get to do what they like I am here not able to go anywhere . Uncle tom looked so much like granddad same build was to have the bald patch later on too pipe would have been a favourite of his too but not at this time .We were to see another side to Tom later on that would devide the family for a time . Auntie Mary, Eliza , Dorrie were characters in themselves Mary been the eldest very lady like I would be compared to her a lot in the future which wouldn’t bother me one bit she was someone to be admired for lots of reasons . Eliza was the quiet gentle caring lady wouldn’t talk too much but loved to work. Dorrie was the auntie I only knew from the pictures we have of her a saint I believe she was the most gentle natured person always a giver never a taker. We always believed god took her because he needed her more than we did I would of loved to of met her how interesting she must have been the storied tell a thousand tales. My sister Laura reminds me of her character wise, gentle, giving, caring always looking after others needs before her own. I was so young when Dorrie passed away maybe I was saved from that heartache. I always like to think she is watching from heaven and guiding us through the right paths in life .

The sadness was to stay in our family tree for sometime as nanny’s death followed a mere three years after auntie Dorries death how our hearts plunged into a deep dark hole once again even tough I was only three I could feel the emptiness and the suffering of others and myself I cried out for her like a baby I suppose. It’s like we know something not quiet right and the gap is just there.  TRICKLING tears ran down my face like rain drops on the window after a shower of rain but they were salty like sea water and felt so harsh on my delicate skin its like they were taring away at it like a sculpture does at stone . I felt the emptiness in my bones and so did my mother hers was gone and here was mine trying to be her usual hardened  self  .We could see the wall building up around her and the fake smile that covered the heartache of her broken mind and body . All the family gathered in the family room clocks were covered time stood still people would come from miles to pay their respects to our family sure they didn’t know what to say would any of us only how sorry they were .  The priests stood there sipping tea and consoling everyone with a hanky. But all to no avail sure wasn’t this the saddest day ever for us all we had lost the building block the stone , that kept us all together and them stones were falling one by one in our family .  Mammy sat beside nanny brushing her hair and kissing her cheek as did all my aunties in turn no one left her on their own as if she was still breathing. The men were like broken down machines because that’s what men are like they just keep going don’t they no matter what. This day they had less parts nothing was working today or for a while to come. She looked like she was sleeping to me nanny I said wake up I want you to tell me a story but she didn’t hear me not knowing this at a young age but insisted that she open her eyes wondering why they wouldn’t to myself but dare not ask why? For fear of upsetting someone.

So I sat there and swung my legs not in a happy manner but in a slow gentle motion and taught god if I had one wish today I would wish for my nanny to wake up and smile please god I screamed out loud please let her smile wake up nanny I shouted wake up but no one heard and nanny was put in the ground this action astounded me into wondering why we would put her there I shook mammy’s hand and asked “why are they putting here in the ground “? That’s not her bed I insisted, but poor mammy’s red raw face from crying just said don’t worry she is going to see god and Dorrie and help all the angels. Flowers were laid like a garden a floral one. We had to leave now and there was a party after strange having a party I taught when nanny is gone celebrating her dying but too young to know it was the done thing as a mark of respect . We had the food the men had a drink tea for the ladies hankies all round I had my blue dress with the white collar on that day which nanny had made for me she made all my clothes sister Laura would have her fashion eye too later on in life .Everyone would touch me on the head and say all she is so cute and sweet that’s all people would say thinking I couldn’t hear but I had ears small but they actually worked. The day was long it dragged and dragged all I wanted was to go home and settle into my bed to sleep and did after several hours of all the banter and chat I wasn’t one for talking when I was young how I would change ha . The days and weeks to follow would be long and hard on the family but things did eventually get back to normal mammy took it easy for awhile daddy watched her to make sure she would be fine like the parents do .

Holding Back my Tears

Sitting here in your company

Almost feeling like I belong

But stupid me I couldn’t see

I couldn’t be more wrong

Made feel like apart of something

For your punching bag you see

You made me feel so low and useless

You made me not want to be me

I look at you in shock

The way I never wanted to do

I curled myself in a ball

To protect myself from you

Kicked when I was down

Lying on the ground

No one comes to help me

No ones hears a sound

I sit and sob my heart out

My face is torn and sore

My heart is more hurt now

I can’t believe the way I have been treated

I wish I could ignore

Standing over me gave you strength

Humiliating me while you gave me a belt

A kick or two sure one more will do

Just to be sure I stay on the floor

I swear I will fight back

Someday your time will come

And so I do that day I met you

You were sitting on your bum

I walked up to you and looked you in the eye

Do you look away no you don’t?

You’re so brazen your acting the clown

But one thing I know when I look in your eye

You will have to live with what you did until the day you die

So sleep well in your ignorance

And wish yourself well

Be happy when you look in the mirror

Now you’re living your own hell   

Let Me Go

Where will this road take us
What path to take
Which one will break us
Who knows?

I cherish you
But i should let you go
For if i dont
We will only tare each others hearts apart

You knew from the beginning
this just couldnt last
What you done to me back then
Is in the past

The cold damp wall
It stops my fall
Its not a solution
Its not an answer

As i walk ahead i hear you call
I keep on going
You cry to me come back
I stroll on silently
Refusing to look back

There you are on the ground
 in a large mess
Your not so confidant now
Your not trying to impress

I use to feel the way you do
But time has a way of changing my point of view
There was a time back long ago
When i would of done anything for you

It is too late now to undo whats done
You let me go you let me run
You should of got up off that road that day
You should of fought to keep me not let me o my own way

I  hear your calls i hear your crys
But did you hear mine
When you made my sleepy eyes compromise
I done what ever you asked me to do
I would of gone to the end of the earth for you

So cry into your bottle of self pity
And feel so sorry for you
But i wont be doing anymore
I now have a life since i left you